Tightening My Grip

For the first time since I had Knox, I am starting to feel somewhat in control. I wince as I type this because each time within the last six months that I have started to feel this way, something big changes and I feel like I'm starting all over. Once I felt I finally got the hang of breastfeeding, I started having yeast/thrush problems. Once I got caught up on laundry, his reflux started. Once he started to sleep at night for more than 3 hours at a time, the teething started. Once I figured out a schedule that worked for both of us, my work schedule changed and I had to abandon the perfect routine. Now...all of these things have subsided (or I have learned to deal with them and make them work) and I'm sensing a feeling of control coming over me. Calm control.

Cloth diapering is going well. I've learned how to manage them, clean them well, even how to use them at night. I feel like it's just as easy as using disposables, if not easier. My husband is even an advocate now! I won't lie...it was hard in the beginning - a poopy diaper after EVERY feeding. Too much to keep up with. But now that he's only going every few days, it's a breeze. And I know with him starting solids, that will change, but I'm convinced I can tackle any cloth diaper he throws at me :).

We started making him food and he is responding well. I first mashed up an avocado and mixed in some breastmilk to get the right consistency and give him a taste that he is used to. He made his initial "yuck" face but since then has eaten it well. And 1 avocado has lasted us over 2 weeks. I feed him about 1 tbsp a day in the evening, when we are eating dinner - to give him a sense of community and to make him think he is eating what we are eating. Next we tried peas but he gagged terribly on those - I think we are going to have to strain them because the skins are just too much for him. He loves bananas and still loves his organic brown rice cereal.

Speaking of the peas...I was researching something recently called "Baby Led Weaning." Which is an interesting concept but one I do not understand fully. The idea is to give the baby food - not pureed, strained or commercial baby food - but REAL food and to let them figure out how to eat it and decide how much they want to eat. Apparently people have had a lot of success with this method...mothers are claiming their 7 month olds are eating pork chops and toast. After feeding Knox the pureed peas (unstrained), I cannot fathom him eating bread, much less meat in a month. Here's a link for those interested: http://babyledweaning.blogware.com/ I'm pretty open minded, but when it comes to choking, there's just no way I can take that chance...and...seeing how much trouble he has with just pureed pea skins I would be terrified to try any whole food at this point.

As I'm writing, somewhat hurriedly (I would like to get to sleep!), I'm realizing how unorganized and tangential this blog is...something I will try to work on for the next one, but, since I've already failed at that this time, I'm going to continue and completely change the subject with no transition whatsoever.

Babywearing is something I've also been researching lately. Trying to decide on a sling for Knox. I knew I was interested in babywearing while I was pregnant, but I obviously didn't do enough research about it before buying my sling. I bought a New Native carrier after reading a blog by someone who loved their products (http://newnativeinc.com/orders/prodtype.asp?cookiecheck=yes&strPageHistory=cat&PT_ID=70). This sling worked for me for about a month. Granted, Knox grew fast, but according to their product details, he should've been more than comfortable in it until he was 35 lbs. After about 15 lbs I started to feel really unsafe with him in it. I watched the video over and over and had my husband help me try to put him in the right way - it just wouldn't work. If I leaned at all he would've toppled right out of it. Anyway...I am now looking for a safe way to wear him comfortably (I struggle with back problems as it is). I was given an Ergo carrier by a friend whose child outgrew it and I do love it - the problem with it is that he cannot be forward facing in it - which he would prefer. Also, I have been unable to comfortably wear it on my hip after several attempts and replays of the instruction video. From what I've researched so far, the Mei Tai seems to be a favorite but it doesn't seem to be able to face baby forward. So I've decided I need a Ring Sling...a wide one so he can grow with it. I just need to find a reliable seller and I'd like to find one with padding. So this is my new endeavor - exciting, huh? HA. I guess I've probably become a little preoccupied with this due to the fact that he is really starting to grow up and I can see the baby-ness slipping away...gotta make sure I soak in all the baby moments I can before they are gone and he is pushing me away!

Ok...exhaustion is setting in...this is the longest blog I've written, though & I'm proud :) In closing, I will say that I promise my future blogs will be better written! This was written fast and in a stream-of-consciousness fashion. My apologies.

half time

so knox is six months old. it seems like such a big milestone to reach six months and to top that off, he learned how to clap and started eating solids. while i am super excited to see him take his first steps, say his first words and especially give his first hugs and kisses, i cannot help but sulk a bit over all the firsts that have already come and gone...first smile, first laugh, first rollover, first sitting. i am going to miss those tiny baby days...as much as i am looking forward to all of the new and wonderful ways he will surely amaze me.

Forked Up

Today's blog comes to you courtesy of my husband's latest facebook rant. Normally, I ignore them and blow them off but today's I felt deserved repeating. So here it is. (And, here is the link that inspired it: http://www.webstaurantstore.com/medium-weight-white-plastic-fork-1000-cs/130FORK.html)

So it occurs to me that plastic forks are emblematic of all that is wrong with America. You can buy 1000 forks for $10. That is insane, think about that for a second...there are at least 6-9 companies in the supply chain to make a fork. At each stage the companies are incurring cost but somehow it is still profitable to sell each for for .01 cents. Seriously??? Its mind blowing on some level.

Even selling 100 Billion forks per year it is still really impressive that their process is efficient enough to turn a profit - that 100 billion number is real by the way.

The really shit part is that all this energy - the plants to make the fork, the plants to make the plastics, the plants to make the chemicals needed to make the plastic, the fuel to take the forks to the plane, the fuel for the plane, the fuel to deliver the forks from the plane to the story, the fuel for you to drive to the store and back - All this energy is spent on a product that is trash 99% of it life.

The fork is only useful for 5 minutes of its existence but we spent countless hours on its creation and then spend hours more on its disposal. Now, that is truely whacky.....especially because we can't afford health care or school or infrastructure. I guess the problem is that the plastic fork is convenient and those arent. What if we worked on making the important stuff as efficient as forks? And for the companies making the forks - Isn't there some point where satisfying the immediate wants and desires of an adolescent society become unethical? Its really depressing on some level....

To D or Not to D

Weighing heavily on my mind since my recent physical examination and Knox's 4 month check-up, is something I'd never considered much before: Vitamin D. The nurse at Knox's check-up briefly mentioned something about asking the Dr. if he would need a supplement, but, of course, I had a list of questions stored in my head to ask the her already and adding something to that list just a few seconds before entering the exam room, it was bound to get lost in my dwindling memory during the 5 minutes of rushed conversation before the Dr. changes the subject and hurries from the room to her next patient. And it did get lost. And I thought about it as soon as I got home. There is always one thing I forget to ask about when I take him and this time that was it.

I had a physical exam for a new job just a few weeks later and found out that my D levels were very low (24.2 with a goal of 50) and that I needed a 2000 unit supplement 2x/day. Apparently this is common for nursing mothers like myself. Before allowing myself to succumb to doctor's orders, I began my usual research and read that D overdose can be toxic and just as damaging, if not worse than a deficiency. But the research regarding this topic is confusing. Most sites I read said that overdose cannot occur only from exposure to the sun but typically occurs only when people over-supplement. Recommendations from The Institute of Medicine recommends only 50-200 IUs per day, but other experts are starting to recommend up to 2,000. This article made me feel less worried about the overdose as well, stating that it would take much much more than I am taking to even come close to toxicity and, even then, no cases have been proven (http://www.vitamindcouncil.org/vitaminDToxicity.shtml). I discovered that since my levels were so low I needed the extra units in order to boost those levels back to normal and will be tested again in a couple of months to see if this has helped.

I am starting to feel like I have more focus and energy since I've started the supplements but now I'm very concerned about Knox's intake. Is he getting enough? I try to make sure he gets at least 15 minutes of sun exposure every day (since that is the safest way to absorb vitamin D), but in the winter that is getting harder and harder to do. So I called my Dr. last week...this is a tedious process, as I have to call the nurses line, ask them to have the Dr. call me and then be available every second of the rest of the day in hopes that she calls me back. Well, of course, I missed the call back - which was at 6:00 p.m., as I'm bathing the baby. The nurse had explained my concerns briefly to her and she replied on my voice mail that I could purchase baby vitamin D over the counter, naming a few brands that made it. She also said "if you have any more concerns, please call me back tomorrow." Which I did and have yet to hear back (almost a week later). I guess I'm thinking he should be tested before I possibly over supplement him. I have no idea what dosage to give him, as she didn't recommend any dosage on her message. I hate to make an appointment for something that could be answered over the phone...if I could get her to call me back!

As I reflect on this worry, one in a long row of worries over the past 5 months, I wonder if it will rapidly disappear, solve itself and be forgotten like all of the others. It's odd and hard to explain, but each time I encounter a problem (especially health related) with Knox, it becomes my whole world until it's fixed. And then, like smoke in the wind, it just disappears. And when I think about all of these concerns I had and how much of my time they consumed (reflux/GER, teething, thrush, side-sleeping, co-sleeping, sleeping in general, milk supply, croup...just to name a few) it seems crazy to me because of how insignificant it all is now. But still, until I speak with the Dr., I know this whole D factor is not going to go away...and even then I have to either trust what she says or find my own truth and figure out the best way to give Knox what he needs.

Brand New

Everything is brand new since I last wrote, so I felt my blog deserved a much-needed makeover and a bit more attention, which I am hoping I can provide. Coincidentally, just a month or so after my last posting, my husband and I unknowingly conceived baby Knox. Little did I know when I created this blog (and basically vomited up four or so years worth of mediocre to tolerable poetry and fiction on to the screen), that I was about to become a Mom...my lifelong dream would finally come true after 2+ years of trying and heart-wrenching monthly disappointment in the form of nature's cruelest message - the period.

As soon as I found out, I just knew that I would do everything perfectly - the way I had always planned it in my head, since I was a little girl rocking in a miniature rocking chair with my favorite doll, Lori. I was already an expert, I thought: 2 younger sisters, a slew of younger cousins, years of babysitting/nannying experience and most recently early childhood care/teaching for infants and toddlers. I had watched all of these other parents make so many mistakes. I smugly watched, rolled my eyes and judged, stating I would never be "one of those parents" (not that I had any idea at the time what I meant by that). I assumed that I needed no preparation and that all would come naturally and I would know exactly what to do in every situation. I would not obsess, freak out or be stressed because I'd done it all before, right? Wrong.

Before becoming pregnant, I was already forming my addiction to all things "green," and the pregnancy just made that addiction worse (or better, depending on who you are and how you look at it). On top of my insatiable need to reduce, reuse and recycle anything I touched, I now had a whole new life to "green-ify."

I will take this moment to point out that there are 2 things that further influenced/inspired my obsession and those two things are 1. the documentary: "No Impact Man" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1280011/), and 2. a book my sister introduced me to: "Better World Shopper" (http://www.betterworldshopper.org/?gclid=COmg4q-x1aUCFVB95QodBErSlg). I was hopelessly devoted after my exposure to these two things. I began researching diapering methods, baby gear, baby clothes, baby toiletries, medical intervention and everything in between.

All of this obsessing, researching and learning would always lead me to another place which I felt needed to be dug up. So, I basically spent the entire pregnancy doing just that. I can't say I'm much different now that he's here, but I can say that I recognize now that so many things are uncontrollable and unable to be planned. I know now that my baby's individual needs are what determine my decisions regarding him and all I can do is try my best to consider everything else while learning what is in his best interest. My goal is to find the balance in all things, and I'm hoping that by re-starting this blog, I will learn about myself while taking time to do something I love: writing. And if anyone else decides to read, maybe they can learn something, as well.

My Posts

So I just posted all of my favorite poems/writing from college (and a bit beyond). Let me start with a disclaimer stating that some are my favorites for reasons beyond the writing ability - yes I know there is some embarrassing writing below. I included a short story which I'm still working on and have been for a few years but I still like it.

Anyway...feel free to read...or not...I've just been meaning to get these posted for a while now & I hope to post something brand NEW soon.

Enjoy if you will...

December (sonnet)

The year was gone and you were getting close

to finding out that time is like a smile—

for show or real or sometimes in between,

like a snowy carriage ride all alone.

When things were making sense inside your head,

a sound rattled you from your quiet sleep

and told you that you had just missed the world.

What made the sound you knew you heard that night

was something that you’ll never hear again,

it was as if you heard a petal fall

or touched a sad love song you sung to once.

The month will end and nothing will have changed.